Can I trust you? To whom are you asking that question? Is it a silent whisper you hear when you look into the eyes of your beloved? The person you want to give your heart to completely, but occasionally feel a resistance in fully surrendering to love?
Knowing that this person, or any person, is your reflection – you know that you are actually asking this question to yourself. Your mind is doubting if you can trust this person, although your heart tells you, you can. Therefore, deep within your being there is essentially a part of You, that wants to incorporate your own self-trust. Incorporate knowing your knowing is correct. Knowing you are trust-worthy and therefore worthy of trust.
Surrender to your Vulnerability in Trust
Trust and love cannot be separated. In order to love deeply, you need to surrender in full trust. Trusting your hearts capacity to lead you the way. Trusting your connection with your intuition to choose correctly. Trusting that the more you dare to love, the more gifts will be showered upon you.
Receiving gifts doesn’t necessarily mean to be in a state of ecstatic bliss. Gifts can come in many forms: sweet, bitter, and anything in between. In these recent weeks I received all of the above. Never before in my life have I felt so ready to launch myself deeper into trust and opening my heart in full surrender. And although the intention was clear, the first gift that came was resistance in a form I have never experienced in my life with such force. Resistance filled with anger, blame and shame.
Before me stood the most beautiful man I have ever encountered in my life – patient, honest and wise. And yet something majorly destructive inside me wanted to push him away and run. Every day a new piece of my vulnerability surfaced. Vulnerability related to soft, painful places inside my being that were ready to be kissed, and yet so scared. It was an unknown fear to me even. I see now that this numbing energy has been protecting the core of my heart for a long time. Finally I have reached a state of readiness in my life; to feel it, to face it, and essentially to heal it.
New layers of my vulnerability awakened, every time with more intensity and more resistance. The anger and blame tried to protect the fear and shame. Tried to protect with the force of frustration to ensure not to be seen. But he saw me. Beyond all the chaos. Beyond all the scars and the tears. He saw me. My light, my spark, the essence of my power, and the potential of love inside my heart. He saw me in calmness and grace.
Attachment to Suffering
You may have had experiences in this life related to distrust. You may have encountered narcissists or manipulators, or have seen examples within your family. You may have many reasons to feel doubt and the need of protecting your heart. But question yourself: is the past really a worthy reason to continue the cycle of limiting your ability to expand into love?
Isn’t your evolution about breaking the chains of constraints? For you. For this life. For your ancestors and all that came before. And mostly, for the future and the brighter road that lays ahead of you, ready to be walked upon.
It is easy to drown into the details of our history. Our personal history and our history as a collective at large. It is easy to drown into the details of the abuse, scars, manipulation and suppression of our past. In essence we do not need more era’s of this kind. We know what does not work. And we also know, that right now is the time to heal. Now. And here.
Healing means diving into the pain fearlessly and transcending it into the brighter unknown. The healing itself is not what we fear, it is the unknown that lies on the other side of the healing. No matter the degree of suffering of our patterns. Many times we prefer to be stuck in a pattern and suffer, than to surrender to the unknown. Even if the unknown means: more joy and more love.
The sub-conscious mind operates according to patterns. We can replace an old pattern with a new one, but only with awareness and conscious decision. To fall back into the rhythm of what we know is easy. To be present in your own transformation, requires attention. Not just attention to see your external response to situations. But more-so the attention to really wake up to see hidden aspects inside yourself. Shadow-aspects you may not like. And yet, by allowing yourself to truly see, means there is a readiness to have these shadows dissolve by shining light on them.
Trust Holds the Power to Transcend
What I discovered for myself is that by fearing manipulation from my beloved, I began to manipulate situations myself. By doubting his trust, I began to break my own trust in minor forms. My resistance pushed me into breaking promises. The promise to expand in my heart and not run away. The promise to walk my talk in integrity and alignment. The promise of being patient and always look inside, instead of projecting to the outside.
Can I trust you? Is not the question at hand here. Can I trust me? I should be asking. The answer is yes. Full-heartedly. I trust my intuition, my sense of direction in life. I trust the intelligence of my body, and the courage and will to grow. Trust is not something you do, or need to make an effort for. Trust is simply a decision. When you truly mean that you want to grow into deeper trust and more expansion in the heart, life corresponds automatically. Yes, you will be triggered, but the trust will give you the power to transcend all.
In order for something to be awakened, something old needs to die away. After all the thunder and turbulence, the sky has cleared. All that no longer served me has been blown away. What I feel now is a new space in my heart. One that feels free, able and calm. From my liberty I choose to love and trust. I choose to walk with my man and expand in my light. Step by step.