Do you truly trust yourself? If so, why do you feel the need to prove to your partner you are trustworthy by changing your behaviour?
It is so common for people to try to secure the walls of the relationship, instead of building a strong foundation. The walls represent the boundaries of what is allowed in, and what isn’t. Sometimes you go play on the other side of the wall, but as long as you tell half the truth, it’s not really a lie right?
What matters is how the relationship appears inside the walls. If both of you seem secure, than it must be okay. If that supposed feeling is attained by you avoiding a subject, needing to stop hanging out with some people, or pretending to be okay not going out as much as you used to – as long as you can convince yourself it’s trust, you should be fine.
Some years ago I was in a relationship with someone culturally very different to me. Our first fight was caused by me mentioning the name of an ex-partner of mine (who happened to be my friend also). In a moment like that you have two options: you either make sure to never name partners of the past ever again. Or, you stand up for what you believe is a healthy relationship, and invite your partner to meet you in that open space of trust. (I don’t think I need to explain which option I chose).
After some time, it was clear that his idea of ‘trusting your partner’ meant that he had the liberty of co-creating professionally with his female friends (and even flirt with attraction). Whereas, if I had a simple dinner with a male friend, he would freak out as if I was having a longterm affair.
As you can imagine this was the beginning of the end.
Love is a paradox. If we don’t learn how to dance with this knowing, you’ll forever keep tripping over your own feet and preventing yourself from getting where you truly want to be in love.
The more you try to take the freedom from your partner, the more you’ll push them away. Or, the more freedom you give, the more your partner will naturally navigate towards you.
In my case it was a controlling partner. But in many cases it is people enforcing control upon themselves. They cut off their own freedom just to avoid an unwanted reaction from their partner. Somehow you convince yourself it’s better to protect their insecurities or feelings of inadequacy than needing to deal with the consequences.
How can you be standing on a supposed foundation of trust, yet choosing avoidance or protection as a way of expressing that?
You want trust? Trust yourself. Trust your actions, your words, trust your interactions and how you act in life with integrity. Steady and resilient. When that trust is so deeply embedded, there will be no reason for your partner to ever doubt you.