Nalaya | I Have a Confession to Make
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I Have a Confession to Make

I Have a Confession to Make

I have a confession to make. I admit that I have protected others for the wrong reasons. And it’s the thing I am burning to ashes before the year ends.


Compassion and patience are good virtues to have, but the real question is – when do even those drops of medicine become poisonous? When does too much compassion become an excuse to not confront? And when does patience become so spacious, that avoidance is just a natural by-product?


It all comes down to trust.
How I choose to trust the other.


Sometimes trust is silent. The kind that allows the other to uncover at their own pace, on their own accord. And sometimes trust is presented in the form of a direct mirror. Sharp, penetrative and confronting.


Both forms of trust are empowering. Both desire growth and transformation. Both come with good intent. And both carry an essence of risk. 

The only thing that matter is discernment. To sharpen that antenna that states which form of trust is best in which occasion and why. It’s the reason I’m writing this now. To balance my discernment.


My heart would say that the purest essence of trust is ALWAYS expressed in transparency. That love doesn’t necessarily mean it’s sweet. That to me, is exactly the flavour which defines the core of true friendship. It can be bitter-sweet at times, or even a little bit spicy.


It’s funny though – I’ve spoken these words before. I’ve reflected, confronted and let go exactly for those reasons. Whenever I think I know ‘truth’, it takes me even deeper. Whenever I think I know ‘connection’, I takes me further.


So, here I am again. Life is asking me to go into greater depth with the connections that are present in my life. The people I care for. And to let go of anything that falls out of this alignment.


The only thing I can do here is take responsibility for my part in this dance. Why did I invest in friendships that revealed imbalances from the very start? Why did I believe that my love will be the cause for their transformation? Why did I think it’s okay to not be supported in the way that I support others? Why did I hold back my expression? Why did I make excuses for the subtle power-games and the hidden envy that I felt projected onto me? What is it about this relationship-dynamic that somehow makes me feel good, in a twisted-kinda-way?


I’m not gonna drown into endless analyzation. All I can truly do is take note about how I made my choices, and simply choose to do things differently from now on.


Every single person who enters my life has been invited by me. To learn, to love, to laugh, to contemplate, to reflect our fears or power. I invited you, as you invited me. To hide or wanna run, and eventually to transcend and transform.


In essence, to know myself better.


So I give thanks from the depth of my heart. Without all of you, I wouldn’t be where I am now. A place in which I can clearly state, I choose to move forward with even more integrity, more love, and more lust for life.


Courageous acts of love are always rewarded.
Love and relating is how we learn best. None of that time, energy and care is ever wasted. We just gotta be open to the unfolding of unexpected insights.


Oh heart, and your infinite teachings. It’s fascinating and painful. It’s challenging and yet always so delicious. This endless free-fall into the great mystery…

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