Many years ago it was a conscious choice of mine to step out of my fear of commitment. I could have forever avoided deep authentic intimacy – instead I chose to dive into the vulnerability and fragility of my heart and allow myself to be touched. Allowing life, circumstance and experience to guide me into becoming more attached. Perhaps that sounds ridiculous as most spiritual texts talk about detachment as the way to freedom. In my case it was about realising that my personal level of detachment had been preventing absolute freedom of the heart.
It all comes down to love. The ability to love another. The willingness to be truly loved for who you are. To feel free to give the best of you. And to open to have that level of support be reflected back at you. That to me is the freedom of the heart. To ALLOW love to flow, essentially.
When you relate in a detached form – in a subconscious indifferent manner – than there is a level of protection that prevents the heart from truly being touched. Preventing love to flow in the unexpected ways that it wants.
I grew up in different countries. Moving around with my family. I learnt that I needed to let go of everyone who I let into my heart. Who I loved. Who I built relationships with. The only constant in my life, was losing those I loved most.
I suppressed feelings of attachment. Suppressed feelings of loss. Instead I became a master of letting go. Letting go of things, stories, people, homes, places. Always being the one to end relationships, or walk away from a carefully constructed lifestyle in a new country. Just to do it again, and again. Birthing the new, letting go once it was constructed.
It’s hard to recognise this type of protection, as it’s wrapped in an idea of independence. That’s how I used to relate to myself – able to take care of myself in any situation. I traveled the world alone since I was 19. I carried myself through the hardest situations of life – depression, sickness, obstacles, intensities. I knew how to follow my intuition, take initiative, and provide myself the support I needed. Financially, physically, spiritually.
This can give the impression that there is a level of wholeness from the inside. On the one hand this is true. I am very capable and I am proud of it. Yet, speaking from my soft, vulnerable heart – I want to admit in this moment that I pushed myself into doing it all alone, because I was afraid of allowing people in. Really deeply on an authentic intimate level.
The last 7 years have been focussed on exactly this. Taking conscious steps into relating, connecting, true intimacy and allowing my authentic self to shine through it all. I feel tears of joy dripping from my heart center as I write this. I am amazed and stunned to see my achievements in Love. What courage it takes to open up in such sincerity. Which is the reason I share this. I recognise it is our human collective hunger – to truly intimately relate. It’s one of the most powerful experiences we can have. Yet so delicate, because the unknown is always waiting around the corner. And loss and letting go are always part of our evolution.
To allow support has been the greatest challenge I have overcome in these years. I see the fulfilment it gives others, when they can truly be there for me – supporting me, loving me, holding me. And honestly, that is the greatest pleasure my inner feminine could receive. To truly feel held as such.
To give, is being in control. To receive, is being out of control. I believe true wholeness comes through the depth of inter-relating, inter-connecting, inter-dependence. Weaving our energies to allow mutual support, love and recognition to be exchanged. And to allow those to dance themselves into new layers of balance, is to me the path to freedom of the heart.
Diary entry from 29 September 2018