One of the hardest lessons in my life almost killed me. This lesson taught me everything about the power of denial and how dangerous it is to run away from my greatest fears.
India pulled me inside out and upside down. Those first years were very intense. I shaved my head at the holy river Ganga. I went to ashrams and silent meditation centres. I lived in huts without electricity and walked barefoot most of the time. I’m sure this all sounds amazing, yet the reality was quite the contrary. My body screamed for healing. I had terrible insomnia, anxiety, hypersensitivity, skin breakouts and my hormones were all over the place. In other words: all the ingredients one needs to fall into depression over and over again.
As if things couldn’t get any worse, I fell in love with a manipulative narcissist. Intense, aggressive and destructive. That was the essence of this relationship. Yet I was in denial. I denied how broken I was after that relationship. I denied the state of my body, and how disconnected I was. I denied that I was running away from myself, my feelings and from everyone around me.
My wake-up call came when I ended up in the isolation department of the hospital. A highly contagious and deadly bacteria had filled my blood and decided to nest in my left breast. Right above my heart. There I was, confronted by all my shadows, unable to run anymore. Doctors came in every day looking as though they were on the Moon. Dressed up in the highest protection gear, stuffing me all kinds of with drugs just to keep me alive.