Nalaya | The self-sabotaging paradox of control
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The self-sabotaging paradox of control

The self-sabotaging paradox of control

Control is this sneaky sticky substance that is hard to notice (even more-so in yourself), because it is camouflaged to blend in with your usual. The purpose of control is to get to where you wanna get to.


Control is like an invisible layer wrapped around your carefully constructed behavioural patterns. The kind that reveal your generosity, your giving nature, your fluidity in communication etc. Somehow inside those apparent positive aspects, hides the subliminal control and how you direct it onto the other.


Your satisfaction depends on their reaction or action. When they actually move into the direction of your wanted outcome, you convince yourself there is evidence of trust.


This is where conditions are born. And therefore the limitation of love – how you love the other or how allow yourself to be loved. This is the place where expectations are born. Yet masked and therefore unrecognised.


Every time you get disappointed, you blame yourself. It is, however, quite obvious when you look at it from a birds-eye perspective. There is simply no way that the other can continue to live up to your camouflaged conditions of how they should act, when and how. Disappointment is inevitable.


If… you choose to keep this cycle alive.


All of us are victims of self-sabotage. It’s in our primal instinct to wanna protect ourselves from potential disaster or life threatening pain like a broken heart. Memories of the past live inside you, and therefore it is only natural that your mind wants to avoid pathways that may lead you down this risky road of love.


Your mind therefore convinced you that testing the trust is the perfect equation to getting you to your desired outcome. The outcome of safety, the outcome of trust, the outcome of a deeper intimate connection.


And yet… it is the EXACT way of repeating failure or disappointment.


The thing is, life cannot be predicted or calculated. People are not as straightforward as numbers. Neither are situations and how they are affected by the presence of more than one person.


It’s all in the hands of mystery. And the gentle dancing with the energetic alchemy of any moment.


What do I mean by that? Trust simply CANNOT be controlled.


If you want trust, you gotta drop control.


Trust is.
Trust arises.
Trust can only come when you give it space.


Not the kind that says “I now give you space, therefore you have to act as such, and so we mutually determine there is trust”.


But the real space. The loving spacious kinda space. The space that is both “detached” as well as “sincerely connected”. The space that is not forced, but given. It holds the vibration of “allowing” what ever it is that wants to unfold.


Often it’s not about what you think you want. But rather giving the space to permit the unfolding of what you truly need.


In other words – the only way to get to trust is by risking it. You can’t wait for the other to initiate it. That could take life times. You initiate it, you’re the creator, you’re the one holding the magic wand you so often ignore. You’re the one who decides whether you move into the direction of your well phrased intentions.


Don’t just speak your prayer.
Embody it.
Risk it.


And allow yourself to be surprised…


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